Paulo's Perspective

Advice from the Founder of Tarot.com: June 24, 2010

by Paul O'Brien

Konfused in Kihei

Dear Paulo, I'm having a relationship dilemma. I'm a confident woman who knows how she feels and what she wants most of the time, I'm also very flexible (despite what looks like pushiness) and want to be able to negotiate/make decisions etc. with a man - in the process of dating adventures and whatnot - I often mollify this part of my nature - to be more "feminine" and let the man lead...I can't find the balance, do I just need a strong man, so I can fully be myself?

--Konfused in Kihei

Konfused, it sounds like you are confused about who you are supposed to be, confusing personality with identity (aka soul). I would take a look at what your “core beliefs” might be – operating assumptions about people that were formed when you were very young, which may have subconsciously stuck to this day, making you feel and act in certain ways.

We get so attached to having a consistent personality, but the personality is just an act (the “persona” was a mask that actors wore in ancient Greece). The really good actors know how to adapt and play different roles, depending upon the scene and other actors on stage. If you are having conflicts with dates, you are probably clinging to the act that you know best. Perhaps this is the one that makes you feel safe … or in control. Whatever the case, a stronger man to contend with is not going to solve the problem of contending, make you feel better, or make it easier to be fully yourself. That’s an inside job, which has more to do with releasing core beliefs and the shame that often comes from them.

Meanwhile, in your social interactions, be more open. Express yourself in different ways. Improvise a little bit. Try some different roles. Take some risks. Embarrass yourself once in a while (you can’t embarrass your true self :-). You’ll be surprised at the results. You will learn so much more about what other people like, feel more free, have more fun, and definitely prove that you are not your personality!

Developing Empathy

Dear Paulo, I would very much like to improve my ability to read other people.  To quickly find/understand their motivations, desires, and weaknesses.  The solution may or may not be spiritual, but I'm willing to try anything.

-– Sam, 27, in Seattle

Sam, the ability to read others is a sublime and powerful skill. It is actually innate in humans (and other mammals). Babies start interpreting facial expressions and sounds almost from birth -- but this skill can also be developed and cultivated.

There’s too much to say on this -- in fact, whole books are written on how to read people’s body language! The piece I would suggest that you focus on is to develop empathy -- the power of being able to understand and consider another’s feelings even when they are different than your own. (This is different than sympathy, which is simply to resonate with another’s feelings or feel sorry for someone.) How to develop empathy? Well, there is one simple way – use your intuition to guess what people are thinking or feeling and then ask them!

I have found that most people will answer just about any question, including what is going on for them internally, if they are asked in the right way (sometimes indirectly), and always in a non-threatening tone. People love to talk about themselves (if you let them), especially if they sense you are open and you ask them in an open way. So, learn the art of social interviewing -- it’s highly educational! Learn to tune in and listen, and you will be practicing good social skills at the same time you are developing a stronger intuitive sense about people.

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