by "Aurora 88," an Advisor on Keen*

Have you ever been in a relationship and everything is going along fine, until you bring up the topic of commitment? I don't think there's any one word in the English language that can cause more tension between men and women than the "C" word.

We fight over it, worry about it, and sometimes break up because of it. It brings out our worst stereotypes about the opposite sex. Men think the purpose of a woman's life is to try and trap a guy into making a commitment, and will only give in and finally pop the question under extreme duress.

If you are like most people, you unconsciously equate commitment with marriage.

Making a commitment isn't about making a decision one day to marry someone. There are actually four stages of commitment every relationship should go through, and therefore, four decisions each couple makes over time.

Here are the four levels of commitment a relationship passes through as it grows. I think you'll find them helpful in understanding your own relationships and knowing when it's time to move on to the next level.

Level 1: Commitment to Sexual and Emotional Monogamy (First date to 3 months)

If you are single and dating, you will probably spend some time getting to know a new partner, and figuring out if you want to keep seeing him or her. At some point, within weeks and certainly by a few months, you will need some kind of commitment in order to go forward. This should be a commitment to be sexually and emotionally monogamous. I call this a new relationship.

Here are the agreements you and your partner should make with one another when you enter into a level 1 commitment:

• You and your partner agree that this is your one and only intimate relationship.
• You and your partner commit to putting your time and energy into sharing with one another and no one else.

If your partner refuses to make a level 1 commitment very soon into the relationship, I urge you to say goodbye right then and there. Your relationship will not be able to grow without monogamy, and if your partner doesn't respect and value you enough to offer you that commitment, he or she isn't worth waiting for.

Level 2: Commitment to Work Toward a Partnership (3 to 6 months)

Once you and your partner are monogamously dating and make it to three or four months, your relationship will probably become "serious". You consider yourself "in love". You're officially a couple.

This is a crucial stage of a relationship, during which you are going to become more emotionally involved. Therefore, you want to be sure you're making the right decision before making yourself even more vulnerable. You should spend your time deepening your knowledge of one another and testing your compatibility. I call this a developing relationship.

Here are the agreements you and your partner should make with one another when you enter into a level 2 commitment:

• You are sharing most aspects of your time and life together.
• You are starting to think as a "we."
• You and your partner agree that your relationship is special and worth nurturing.
• You and your partner agree that your relationship has the potential to be a lasting partnership.
• You and your partner agree to work together through honestly communicating feelings, learning your own blocks to intimacy, and learning to understand one another in order to create that potential lasting partnership.

It's during this developing stage of relationships that a lot of us make the mistake of not getting a level 2 commitment. You assume your partner sees a possible future with you otherwise, why would he or she say "I love you" and spend all that time with you. You don't actually talk about your assumptions, and one day months later, your heart gets broken when you bring up marriage or something comparable, and your partner responds by saying "I never said we would have a future together. I don't love you that way".

Don't stay in a developing relationship for more than four to six months without getting a level 2 commitment.

Making a level 3 commitment will look different from couple to couple, depending on how traditional or nontraditional your values are, and on the circumstances surrounding your relationship. You may want to come up with a time projection, say nine months or a year after moving in together, for instance, at which point you will reevaluate your relationship and decide whether or not you feel ready to marry.

*Excerpted from the blog of "Aurora 88," an Advisor on Keen