Dating Horrors Through the Zodiac
Prepare to make your next date thrilling, not chilling
Often the scariest evenings are not when there's a creaky floorboard or a ghostly chill, but when you're curled up with your date watching a movie on TV, or when you're on your first vacation with each other and you're about to head to the beach ... and then it happens! He or she takes off their mask to reveal who they really are, and you'll meet the Mr. (or Ms.!) Hyde you didn't even know you were dating! Check your sign below for the worst case scenario for the sign you're dating.
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
The werewolf effect with Aries is that they'll transform into self-centered, big-headed monsters that would die before missing an opportunity to talk about themselves. With any and every event that happens to them or even to you, they'll use it as a cue to brag, whine or worry about what's going on in their lives. If you're not smart enough to realize at this point that your relationship is over, you'll be consumed by their one-person ogre show until they find someone else bored, stupid or naïve enough to listen.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
There's a glazed look that can come over a Taurean's face where you just know that you're no longer a lover to them, or even a person. You've become something far less ... a piece of cake, a tuft of grass, a shank of lamb, or their favorite down pillow with a 3,000 thread count sham and pillow cover. You've become a real object of desire and comfort, rather than your own person.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
The change for Gemini starts with their eyes getting shiftier, and then the transformation quickly moves to their extremities. Suddenly, their eyes are everywhere -- except on you -- and their hands are reaching for the ever-ringing cell phone, the iPad, and a cab door all at once. You're either left waiting at the curb, running to catch up, or holding the line on the other side of the phone -- alone.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Cancer loves to take care of their lovers. It sounds nice, but sometimes when Cancer wants to take care of you, it can almost feel like the mafia's way of "taking care of you" before they tie the concrete block around your foot. You're being stuffed to the nostrils with food, attention, chocolate, gifts, messages, massages, kisses, cards, texts, flowers, photos, brownies, and cakes until ... you ... can't ... breathe.
Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22)
When Leo does his or her fright show, they chew up the scenery with real melodrama and loud relish. This means that when you address a dating issue with a Lion -- whether it be petty or only somewhat important -- your date may act as if you've plunged a wooden stake deep into their hearts and they'll wail, wallow and thrash as to let the whole world know of your betrayal and treachery.
Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22)
The Virgo spook-fest almost always starts small. At first, your date may only casually and infrequently critique how you're dressed or make a suggestion about your grammar. But as things progress, you might come to feel as if you've been teleported back in time to the one-room schoolhouse of a chronically constipated 19th-century school master, or you've landed on the couch of Sigmund Freud himself and your whole life is subject to psychoanalytic review.
Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22)
No sign struggles more with the Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde syndrome like Libra. A Libran will smile bright enough to light a cave while making you feel like a heap of toilet paper in a flooded trench. You won't know whether to run from them or kiss 'em for their sado-masochistic charm. Ultimately, they're just indecisive and can't make up their minds about whether to pull you closer or flit off to torture someone else. So they just keep on hangin' on until you bribe them to leave you alone, or they get a better offer.
Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 21)
When the sea-monster that swims around the whirlpool of a Scorpio's heart is aroused over some perceived or actual wrong, it wants nothing but complete, blood-dripping and annihilating revenge on his or her former beloved. Any secrets and tidbits of information that you innocently handed over to your Scorpio date before you roused the Beast can and will be used against you in the courtroom, where Scorpio serves as prosecutor, defender, judge, jury and executioner.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)
The Centaur's love of sport, adventure and philosophy can turn into a real scary movie when he or she mistakes your heart for a soccer ball. It's not that they intend to be malicious when they never introduce you as their girlfriend or boyfriend (as to avoid commitment); or when they wax poetically and philosophically about your need for more intimacy (without giving it); or when they book a week-long vacation to Australia (without you). As they might say, "Stuff just happens."
Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)
Creepicorn is what happens when your Capricorn's blood temperature drops and decides that your best use is as a tool for some plot du jour cooked up in their brains. This sign's fears can go deep and long, so they can turn on you, because they "thought" you might not be up to any good, without any conclusive evidence. So without warning or provocation, the Cap might tell you that your whole dating experience was his or her way to get back at an ex from 20 years ago, without remorse or regret.
Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)
The creep fest with Aquarius is at least a crowded experience. As they love their friends so, Aquarians may never show or let you know how you're different or more special than the gaggle of derelicts, nuts, and geeks who masquerade as his or her friends and who seem to follow them at every turn. If you're looking for intimacy at a restaurant or even your own couch, you'd better be prepared to share your date with his or her network at a moment's notice.
Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 20)
The squirm-n-scream appeal of Pisces will at least make you feel like a movie star. It's just that no one told you it was a horror flick. The Pisces will spend an exorbitant amount of time, money (if they have it) or attention on building the perfect set for the movie that is your relationship. As they're especially romantic, they'll even create a musical score. You'll feel wonderful and special. Then, suddenly and most likely through some third party -- like a text, email, voice mail or gossip columnist -- you'll learn you've been cut out of the movie and your part has even been re-written. The explanation will be lame, so don't try to make sense of it. You won't be invited to the wedding, where your Pisces will again spend an exorbitant amount of time, money...
