Good Timing in Love

In romance, it's all about when

by Paul O'Brien

Although it began as a Catholic holiday named for two Christian martyrs named Valentine (only associated with romance from the fourteenth century), Valentine's Day always reminds me of the most important intimate connections I have in my life. All of us begin life in the most intimate of ways and many of us go through it hoping to regain some semblance of our original feelings of emotional connection. As David Schnarch points out in his wonderful book, Passionate Marriage, the most important component of "hot sex" (i.e. chemistry), is an emotional connection. We almost rejoice in a spontaneous feeling of recognition when we meet someone who inspires this experience in us.

In emotionally committed relationships -- whether in the form of lovers, friends or family -- how we come together and how well we communicate determines how well we get along. Just like a sense of rhythm in dancing, relating well has everything to do with a good sense of timing between two people.

When speaking on the Manifestation Practice (which I call "living from the inside out"), I emphasize that the two most important elements of personal success and happiness are good decision making and superior timing. These must follow the Law of Attraction, or nothing will happen. I founded Visionary Networks (later Tarot.com) in 1997 to help people achieve their deepest desires using sacred tools that enhance decision-making and one's sense of timing. I refer to the interplay of these two vital skills as "making the right moves at the right time."

Psychotherapists point out that the most intimate thing two people do together is talk. Of course, experts are not referring to superficial conversation or gossip, but the disclosure of honest feelings and of what is real; essentially, "talk" as the sharing of what we really want. To be real with another person is easier said than done (but it is worth everything). Unfortunately, even when we do manage to do some honest sharing, we do so at the worst possible time.

I'll never forget what the Buddha taught about "skillful speech." He said that if you have something to tell someone that is truthful, but not helpful, don't say it. If you have something that is helpful but not true, don't say it. If you have something to say that is both helpful and true, you may say it, but wait for the right time! The Buddha, who was one of the greatest psychologists of all time, knew about the importance of good timing, including knowing when to keep one's mouth shut!

We have all had experiences when, even though we were being honest, we said something at the worst time. Perhaps we offered some well-intended but unsolicited criticism when a friend was already feeling emotionally wounded. Perhaps we asked our boss for a raise when, unbeknownst to us, he or she had just found out from headquarters that the business was about to start downsizing. Or maybe we merely said things in the wrong order or with the wrong tone. Skillful speech is no exact science and it is rarely easy! In fact, it can be extremely difficult to know if the time is right for any given move or conversation, which is precisely why I've always been attracted to authentic Astrology and divination systems like the I Ching.

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Good Timing in Love | Tarot.com -- Continued »