The other day I was visiting my mother. Over cake and coffee, she inhaled her electronic cigarette while staring at me in that "I'm your mom and I know something's up" kind of way. Finally, she spoke up: "OK, Maria, what's wrong with you now?"
I looked up from my plate of chocolate oblivion and sighed. "Nothing. Nothing's wrong ... and that's the problem. For the first time since I can remember, I don't have a major life crisis to deal with. I feel lost -- unsettled. What do I do with my life when I don't have a fire to extinguish?"
You see, I don't know how to float in the sea of normal. I'm used to fighting for my life; flailing in an ocean of chaos. I thought for sure that the recent April insanity of the Cardinal Grand Cross combined with eclipse season would bring an intense catastrophe my way. I even consulted colleagues about how direct my personal birth chart would be hit. Everyone corroborated: Something major was up.
But nothing happened. Nothing that would fit the bill of life-changing or traumatic or shocking. I was not brought to my knees. In fact, all has been calm. Anything that did transpire in April was, dare I say ... GOOD!
Disturbed by the lack of disturbance...
This left me more than a little disturbed. If I'm being honest, I felt punked by the universe. Exact math ... stressful astrology. I was dumbfounded. Where's the crisis? Where's the drama?
I was so sure April would bring me a major personal fire to put out that I did as much advance preparation as I could. I decided to clear my schedule and not see clients or teach classes for the second half of April. I figured if I had a lighter load it would be easier to deal with whatever the universe planned to hurl my way.
What did I get? An unexpected mini-vacation. Time to think and reflect. Why wasn't the Astrology "working," I wondered. It didn't make an ounce of sense.
Until my mother helped me put it into perspective.
She pointed out that maybe, for me, the developmental stress suggested by April's planetary patterns was more about learning how to bury the saga of a trauma filled journey and learn to accept -- even enjoy -- something a little less abrasive. A life that is a bit more peaceful. Normal.
Maybe April's tense sky mixed with my own birth chart in a way that's similar to the strange mathematical process where two negatives multiplied equal a positive.
It's actually OK to be happy!
Either way, now that May is here and I'm about to celebrate my 40th birthday, I realize something about myself as a person. Not surprisingly, it was the Astrology of April NOT fitting that led to this awakening. You see, I tend to deny myself permission to be happy and at peace. And you know what? That's not cool anymore.
Maybe I can blame natal Venus square Saturn, but for the majority of my current incarnation all I remember thinking is that: "When I'm older I'll enjoy my life more. Later. Joy will come later." I spent the first 40 years of my life convincing myself that I hadn't earned the right to be happy yet.
Yeah, that's a Venus-Saturn thing alright. But there's good news. Venus-Saturn people ARE supposed to improve with age. The second half of my life IS supposed to be better than the first half. That's probably because, for us, it takes the first half of our lives to realize that we DESERVE it.
I just need to get out of my own way first. I need to give myself permission to live life without expecting never-ending crisis and instead embrace happiness.
When there are major planetary shifts, as there were in April, astrologers presume activity. We anticipate outer events to transpire. For many people, that DID happen. But for me, personally, I initially felt blindsided by the lack of outer events in my personal world over the last month. I didn't give enough credit to the volcanic eruptions that occurred INSIDE.
Oftentimes, those internal explosions are way more potent than anything the world can see.
How did April's energy treat you? Did the Astrology fit? Or did it make you aware of what no longer fits? For me, it was most certainly the latter. And I'm not just talking about those size 0 jeans I wore in 2009.